I have never been a planner. I never really knew what God wanted me to do for a career, let alone if I ever had any desires or plans for my own future. It just seems easier not to have any plans, and not to want to make them. I never worried that I would be without a job and living on the streets, but I never really pursued them either. I guess I always just kinda thought that God would just give that stuff to me without me doing anything. But why would he do that? How can I expect to be handed a job without applying to any, let alone have a resume prepared? I have to put forth some sort of effort in these cases. How can I let God lead me to the right job? Having applied to a bunch, and scoring just a single response and interview I have come to realize that I can make myself look as good as I can, but I have to rely on God for how I appear to them in person. I have to allow God to take control of my mouth, to take control of my actions. Is there anything I can do to change their mind in the time between the end of the interview and the final decision? I'm not sure, but allowing God to work seems like the best idea to me. I mean, if this job is God's plan, then it will happen. If I get more than one company wanting me then it becomes harder to make a decision. Where does God want me now and in the future? That would be a very hard decision to make on my own. If I don't get the job, then I know for sure that it's not what God wants me to do.
Right now I feel like I just need to have a job that would give me experience, and if at all possible some sort of insurance. It sounds weird, but I am not too worried about money at this point. I haven't figured out why yet. I have never been a spender of money (until this summer), and I never really desired to be rich. I don't need extraordinary things to make me happy. I just need enough to pay rent, survive, and pay off my loans. With that being said, I have never really had to worry about not having enough money to do those things until recently. Although, some of this is a deception I play on myself. I put most of my money out of my checking account and put it in savings. In the past, I just kept most of it in checking. When I check the balance on my account online, I just check checking because that is what I can directly use with my debit card. I was down to under a hundred dollars, and I felt poor. In reality I have more than I have had in awhile, I just don't realize it. I think it's a good thing.
Next month I am going to have to start paying off student loans, and I know that I will have even less money. This is pushing me even harder to find a job. I was lazy all summer. I didn't even have a resume prepared until 3 weeks ago when I applied to a ton of jobs. Where is my ambition? I know my priorities weren't straight over the summer, and partly it was because God wasn't my priority. I also feared imperfection in my resume, rejection because of qualification I didn't meet, and rejection based on my personality. Combine this with the fear of the actual interview itself, and I had enough fear not to even make a resume.
How I got to money and expenses from my incapability to plan my life, I have no idea. I just come to the conclusion that I suck at life, and without God I have nothing. Nothing to live for, and nothing to die for. I just need to trust God that I will do what he desires, and that I won't be lazy and think that he will just give me a future.
