All You Need Is Love?

Maybe it's true, maybe it's not. I'm not too sure. My question is, how do I love? It's not something you can teach, it's something you have to figure out for yourself. Everybody loves a little different. It has always been hard for me to love people, even the people closest to me. Actually, especially the people closest to me. I guess it comes down to my lack of interest in learning how to love, not an inability to love. Maybe I am loving and don't realize it. Maybe showing love and actually loving are two different things. Sometimes I wish there were simple answers, maybe a way to gain a skill without having to go through that learning and practicing phase.

One of my dreams is to have a husband and kids one day. That requires love. You know when you ask God for something and he doesn't really say yes or no? It's more of a 'wait and see.' It's in those cases where you have to figure out why he said wait. Am I not ready for it? Is someone else not ready for it? What do I need to learn?

I need to learn how to love people. How would I be able to love a potential family if I can't even love the people I see most often right now? And maybe after all of that the 'wait' will turn into a 'no.' Maybe (and hopefully) a 'yes.'


And that is why I rarely say "I love you."

James the Temp

Neogen likes to hire temps. I get my own personal temp... and get to be in charge of this Temp. Somehow over the past 10 months I had forgotten what it was like to be a supervisor (I am by no means a supervisor right now). It was weird. I got to decide when he got to eat lunch and when he got to go on break. I also had to wait till 3:30 when he left to leave. I had intentions of leaving an hour or so early if I could...that didn't happen, sadly.

This is the problem with Neogen. They get behind in their work. They hire temps. They don't catch up. They hire more temps. Things start disappearing. They get rid of temps. They get more temps. and so on... If they are going to continually have temps, why don't they just hire someone permanently? Business is increasing, they won't have to let anyone go.

Another thing: I don't want a temp. I want someone with a little knowledge of working in a lab. Yes, I have a few tedious tasks that a four year old could do successfully, but If I need help, why not get a college student in here part time and let them get a little experience? When I started there was a girl, Hannah, who worked part time. She was a junior at msu, and wanted some lab experience. It ended up that work wouldn't fit into her class schedule and she left in January. She was all the help I needed at the time. She actually trained me...and that was after she had been their part time for three months... I just want someone to work with that I can trust to do more than the time consuming four year old tasks. I want someone who can make a buffer solution. Maybe just someone who could successfully follow instructions and use a scale.

But this is cheap ole Neogen we're talking about. It's not gonna happen.

Arrow Pride

Highschool football started all over the state tonight. I still like to go even though I don't know anyone on the team anymore. It's weird to think that it's been six years. Tonight I went to Davison with my parents. For all of you geographically challenged people, it's just east of Flint. I really had been missing my family, so I jumped at the opportunity to hang out with them. They offered to stop and pick me up on their way, so why not go? We stopped at Taco Bell on the way and got dinner for three people for seven dollars...amazing that Taco Bell is...not so amazing on the digestive system all the time though, but oh well.

So we watched the football game. It was pretty exciting. Davison scored first. No problem though...Lowell won 42-7. It was a relatively short game since they go to a running clock when one team is up by 35.

My mom told me that a lady down the road just died of cancer. Her daughter used to babysit us occasionally, and we always got awesome halloween candy from their house. Usually a whole candy bar or a bag full of fun sized ones. I got to thinking about how I'm at that age where that same sort of thing could happen to my friends parents, and even my own. I like to think at times that my parents are immune to death and disease. Ignorant, I know, but who wants to think of their parents dying. Over the years I have sort of gotten immune to death so to say. A good percentage of my highschool class has died in the last 9 years. A few i was really close to, and the others I can at least share a memory about. Maybe I will write more about that later. Really, I just don't want to deal with death, maybe because I don't know how to even though it has happened so often.

Searching For Happiness

I feel like I am on a scavenger hunt, a different kind of scavenger hunt. I’m not really looking for an object. Or am I?

I’m searching for happiness. I am searching for what gives me happiness. I know what used to give me happiness. It was people, but slowly God has been taking them away from me to show me that I should not be looking to people to make me happy. I should be looking for the ultimate source of joy in Jesus Christ my Savior.

So I guess I was searching for an object. I was searching for people who would in turn make me happy. When I think about it though, all people do is cause me have social anxiety problems. I don’t really like people, yet I desire the happiness I can get from being around them.

So what do I want? I want happiness. I want joy. I don’t want to keep on with this scavenger hunt. I should not be looking for people. I should be looking for God. I should be looking for God to bring me happiness, and maybe he would will it though people, who knows... I just don’t want to rely on myself anymore because all that does is give me a false sense of happiness. I want real happiness, the happiness that only can come from God. I guess that would be considered joy then. I want that joy.